So, I finished 6 papers of the CFAB course. And, here comes internship. I've got an assessment tomorrow and have no idea how am I supposed to go through. And, I have a feeling that it's not gonna be easy.
But, enough of that.
Somehow, other things don't matter anymore. I have no idea what love, infatuation and all those bloody stuffs are, but they are pretty much a strong emotion. Strong enough to have me suffocated, and do crazy things. And, I have no idea what I'm doing. It's just kinda hard to explain.
And, I'm confused.
Perhaps I just let opportunities passed by me last time (few times). And, they all say that "good things come to those who wait". Nay...it just makes me desperate. It's been really weird for me not to write posts about feelings, but rather on thoughts on life. But, what's life without these feelings. But, they're interdependent and it's a mutual relationship.
First, you thought you have better things to do in live. All the way in life, I kept convincing myself that "I need to focus on my studies". First, there's PMR, then SPM, then CFAB exams. I had the perception that to have a so-called relationship requires lots of time and resources and everything. Then, I realised that I have just wasted equal amounts of time thinking about these people, which apparently, leads to nowhere. So, might as well, take a leap of faith.
Then, I read something about Jesus on 'selfless love'. Love, if done in the right way, is not just about sacrifices. It is in fact, the relationship on how we cherish and support each other. It is the way on how to get the best of you and your partner. To get the best of both worlds. Business books said that 'synergy' is merely a term that optimistic people use to achieve goals. That's because business is not love. And, all the way through our lives, we have misinterpreted on how we should live our lives. And, that's how Jesus died (just saying). It is not a tool to show off, nor it is a tool to trigger jealousy.
Then, I started noticing people. I started to judge. And, I have a horrible sense of judgement. Perhaps I didn't realise. Perhaps I freaked out. But, there's just something in that person that captivates me. I used to fall for people's personality, people's way of speaking, people's appearances, people's eyes. You'd start noticing and finding similarities and differences. Yea...and I'm telling you, I don't turn my head around twice to look at someone. You started to doubt that it's some kind of puppy love, until that person is everything you can relate to. That feeling gets stronger and you can't focus on your studies. Seriously, that was hell. For 4 weeks, I had no idea what the lecturer was talking about. My mind drifts away the moment I'm in class. I had no enthusiasm in attempting the questions (even when the lecturer offered money). I was lagging behind....the tip of the tail. And, after class, I would excuse myself and say "I'm gonna contemplate life." And, every time the lecturer asked on why didn't I finish my tutorials and questions, I would just smile as if I'm a fool or me thinking that he's a fool.
That feeling of that person gaining control over your sanity, rationality, appetite, thoughts and even dreams. And, it lasts for weeks. You know it's too late to turn back and pretend as if everything is normal.
Worse? Seeing that person with another guy. Ouch. Yes. It's called jealousy. But, there's nothing much you can do. I have no idea how should I react to it. And, it is really awkward and weird and painful. Perhaps, I'm just too sensitive.
Mockz and finals are approaching. You realised that you need to cope with these feelings. I can't concentrate at the first place, I was staring blankly at the book for 1 hour the first time I tried to study.
But, then, it all falls into place.
I'm not sure if I've just turned into a girl or what on somehow expressing my feelings like this.
And, I'm sorry.
How can we sail to an island that nobody can find, with a compass that doesn't work?"
"Aye, the compass doesn't point north, but we're not trying to find north, are we?"
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